July 01, 2003

Battle Of The Sexes

I was wandering around the archives of craigslist and came across these two entries. You may have already read them if you frequent craigslist more often than I, but I found them so hilarious, they were worth the reprint.

TRADE: my exotic GF for your reliable YZF-R6
Reply to: anon-12930480@craigslist.org
Date: Fri Jun 27 12:09:13 2003

TRADE: my GF for your R6

I have a slightly used girlfriend, 1982 model, white with black top, 5’6”, 110 lbs with 36C cups and excellent tail. Features one of a kind exterior, wild styling, and razor sharp handling. Quite a looker, turns a lot of heads when parked somewhere. She sometimes runs a little rough but is extremely fun and performs quite well once you get her going. Has good after-market add-ons (tattoos, piercings, college degree) and comes with lots of accessories and some hard luggage. Can be cranky and a bit of trouble to start, especially on cold mornings. I don’t advise using the choke. Seems to idle okay most of the time, and fuel consumption is good, though response is best with premium beer. Sometimes she’s a little fussy, stops cooperating without any explanation, and wants to be in control most of the time. Then again, many of my friend’s wives are like that, so it seems like people don’t mind this sort of thing. I've invested a lot in her, and in some ways I'd hate to part with her. However, I realized I’m not looking for a project that requires this much attention, and the long term cost of maintenance on an exotic model like this is just killing me. Will trade for any year YZF-R6. Prefer a straight bike with no issues, minimal modifications. Ex-race bike is okay if it comes with clean papers and is ready for normal street duty. I can fix minor mechanical problems, and cosmetic damage is fine. However, I’m tired of trying to work miracles just to have a dependable source of fun.

Serious offers only – no test drives.

MC with my orgasm
Reply to: anon-12830750@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Jun 25 06:07:43 2003

Yes, I’m talking about you Mr. sarcastic, unreasonably self-assured, condescending prick. Words cannot describe my disappointment with your performance. I have one word for you: clitoris. That’s right: c-l-i-t-o-r-i-s….learn it, know it, love it. Like most women in this world, I require some stimulation in this area in order to have an orgasm and you seem to be completely oblivious to this little anatomical fact. Your blatant disregard of this key feature makes me want to find all your old girlfriends and slap the sh*t out of them for allowing you to be so oblivious as to how to please a woman. Now I am not an unreasonable woman. I understand that the female orgasm can be elusive and I don’t expect one every single time. Sex, in and of itself, is quite pleasurable. Well, it usually is. This was not the case, however, with you.

I don’t even know if you could call what we did sex. Sex, in my book anyway, usually lasts more than 2 minutes. In all honesty I don’t even think you lasted a solid 2 minutes. At your age that shouldn’t be a problem anymore. There are now many self-help guides and exercises to help you get a hold of your premature ejaculation problems. I suggest you do some research. Maybe try jerking off in the morning if you suspect you will be having sex later that evening. Maybe that can help…I really hope so. And that horrific attempt to get me off after your embarassing and untimely climax; you thought I was squirming in pleasure when really I was trying to control my bladder. I don’t know what the hell you were doing or what you thought you were doing, but it was just wrong. I thought you poked a hole in my bladder with your clumsy fingers. I finally had to fake it to get you to stop because you were not taking a hint. Slow and steady wins the race loverboy and you need to internalize that little fact before you go poking around somewhere that you are so obviously completely unfamiliar with.

And here’s another tip for you—foreplay usually involves a little bit more than one-sided oral sex (greedy sh*t) and over-attentiveness towards my breasts. You were a good kisser, I’ll give you that. But that was aggravating as well, like one of those movies that have the really great trailers and then is a total bomb. You are the reason that the women of this city have given up hope.

Ladies, men like these are not in the majority (thank god)! There are so many fabulous, sexy, skilled men in this city and unfortunately a few clueless *ssholes ruin it for the rest of them. I love the men of NYC and many have been very good to me, but you, my friend, are not one of those men. Buy some videos, books, anything, but please do something. No one can help you until you help yourself. Ugh, I can’t believe I took the time to shave my legs for that. Loser.

Posted by at July 1, 2003 04:46 PM

I thought craigslist was for jobs, apartments or used furniture. What is this stuff?

Posted by: Nicole on July 24, 2003 04:32 PM

i dunno...i just followed the "Best of Craigslist" link and found these.

Posted by: jade on July 24, 2003 04:39 PM

oh, craigslist is SO much more! there's a whole personals section. i like to hang around the "missed connections" section. check it out, why not!

Posted by: holohan on July 24, 2003 04:40 PM