December 01, 2003

Bush Declares Peace In The Middle East

Due to the lack of progress and supreme post-Turkey Day fatigue, Bush has decided to declare peace in the Middle East. "We are bound to the love of our country and since we are all a part of this country, must therefore protect ourselves from undue harm, fatigue and general unhappiness." Bush said earlier today on his visit to the Golden Triangle. "We must show our patriotism by renouncing the evils of war and encouraging peace and the subsidization of our titties. I mean tequila. I mean Tiajuana....That's a country, right?"

Troops were to remain in Baghdad to host the post-war relief efforts and deliver packets of marijuana and (Bush's personal favorite) cocaine to aid in the advancements of peace and general merriment.

Bush has called on our friends in Amsterdam, Ireland and Germany to provide further aid in the forms of hash donations and gallons of beer. Congress and the UN have both declined to comment on Bush's usurption of their authority for fear of being labeled un-patriotic, but sources close to both believe this may help stimulate the world economy.

"The increase in investments in our earth's natural resources will help boost the economy, which in turn will give money right back to the people so they can spend it on all our corporations in the pre-Christmas madness. The poor will give so much to the rich in their happiness that the economy will roll right along like a donut off a forklift." claimed one anonymous member of the UN. There is apparent hope in the revival of Reagan's famous economics. Agriculturalists, especially in the natural resources industry, have shown their favor for this plan.

As for the Baghdadians and other Iraqi people, there remains an uncertainty that peace is possible for fear of the resurgance of Saddam Hussein and his henchmen. To prove that Midde East peacemaking is possible, Bush has offered to sign a deal with Israel, where we will supply the Israelis with guns so they can blow the Palestinians back to the Stone Age (roughly 2 weeks according to NSA projections), and thus bring an end to their conflict. According to Condoleeza Rice, the money from arms sales to the Israelis can then be used to buy out Saddam, in the event he should actually appear, so he can retire to Club Med and we can own all Iraq's oil.

Opponents to the peace plan claim Bush is planning this just in time for elections so he can claim he was successful in ending the Iraqi war, he ended the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, brought peace to the Middle East, revitalized the world economy and brought natural resources back into popularity. They predict that Americans will in turn be deprived of their pot flow as much of it will be re-routed to the Middle East.

To this, Bush responded,"Let them snort coke!"

Posted by at December 1, 2003 06:32 PM